Groaners are Frivel, too
These aren’t orignal like most of what you find on this Web site,
but they’re classics. You’re
invited to contribute more.
Send us groaners to post. mailto:editor@joyfulbanker.com
¤ A research group captured an unusual porpoise—it had
feet. After it had been photographed and measured, the creature was prepared for release.
Asked one of the researchers, “Wouldn’t it be a kindness if our ship’s
doctor amputated the feet so it would be like other porpoises?”
“Not on your life,” exclaimed the doctor. “That would be defeeting the porpoise.”
¤ A Canadian, an American and a Czechoslovakian had gone hunting and
were overdue. A search party went out and found that a group of bears
had attacked and killed the hunters. The searchers cut open the female
bear and found that she had eaten the Canadian and the American. As
they looked at the sad remains, one searcher commented, “Well, the
Check must be in the Male.”
¤ Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but
when they lit a fire in the craft it sank—proving
once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and
heat it, too.
¤ Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
¤ A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m
looking for the man who shot my paw.”
¤ This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas
breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.
After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have
the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and
it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the
waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings,
“Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the
hollandaise!”
¤ When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
¤ Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted
to transcend dental medication.
¤ A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. He said, “Because,
I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
¤ A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a
bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The
bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the
drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
the end of the work day approached, the
bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip
of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut
daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender,
“it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
¤ A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle
looking for something to eat. He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other
was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
¤ There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope
that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
¤ A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
“Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mom. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But
they are twins—if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen
Amal.”
¤ A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn’t
know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English
Fish N’ Chips stand. One
day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man
asked, “May I have just an order of fries?” The brother said, “Hold
on a moment. I’m the fish friar. You want the chip
monk.”
¤ Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what? A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
¤ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found
his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
_____________________
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The Joyful Banker - A Parody of all things Financial
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