KNOW ALL MEN BY THESE PRESENTS, that I, a citizen of planet Earth, a mere mortal given to flights of fancy and self-delusion, as Party of the First Part, for good (well, not very good, but it was really hard to figure out what it’s worth) and valuable (although we could ask, valuable to whom) consideration to me in a handkerchief played by the Party of the Second Part, the recipe of witches is hereby axe handled, hereby relinquishes the following innate and intangible rights, to wit:

• Nursing a grievance
• Exploding in anger
• Casting aspersions
• Engaging in tit for tat (the Latin for which is quid pro quo)
• Dragging my heels
• Blaming others for what displeases me
• Bemoaning injustices done unto me (whether done intentionally or not)

And transfers and sets over performance thereof, in whole or in part, to an undetermined future time when hell freezes over, pigs fly, or adolescents don’t know better than their parents, whichever event shall first occur.

Party of the First Part hereby warrants and represents that I have the right to enter into such an assignment, and that there has been full disclosure of all relevant facts to the Party of the Second Part and anyone else who will listen.

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD the same unto the said Party of the Second Part, airheads, and asses forever.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the said Party of the First Part has hereunto signed and delivered deviled eggs as set forth above, and witnessed by the Party of the Third Part, Fourth Part, Fifth Part, and Sixth Part. Whereupon, it was determined that there were enough parties present to have a real party to celebrate the successful assignment hereof.